APPLICATION QUESTIONNAIRE FOR EMPLOYMENT AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

The United States of America is an equal opportunity employer and has required completion of this application questionnaire since January 1, 2020 as a vital executive screening tool. It is estimated this form will take 1-2 minutes to complete.

1. Do you like dogs?

 Yes, proceed to Question 1A

 No, proceed to Question 2

1A. Which of the following would you prefer as the family dog?

 Spaniel  Labrador  Terrier  Cerberus

2. Do you like music?

 Yes, proceed to Question 2A

 No, proceed to Question 3

2A. Which of the following would you prefer to listen to?

 Classical  Jazz  Rock  Blues  Rap  Funeral Dirge

3. Do you like romantic movies?

 Yes, proceed to Question 3A

 No, proceed to Question 4

3A. Which of the following would you prefer to watch with a loved one?

 Say Anything

 Love Story

 Dirty Dancing

 An Officer and a Gentleman

 When Harry Met Sally

 Double Indemnity, Presumed Innocent, Rear Window or anything on the Lifetime Movie Network

4. Do you drink alcohol?

 Yes, proceed to Question 4A

 No, proceed to Question 5

4A. What is your favorite alcoholic drink?

 Rum and Coke  Martini  Whiskey Sour  Wine  Beer  Bloody Mary or Megyn

5. Do you enjoy yoga?

 Yes, proceed to Question 5A

 No, proceed to Question 6

5A. What is your favorite yoga pose?

 Cat Pose  Downward Facing Dog  Tree Pose  Locust or other Plague

6. Check the most accurate completion of the following: I believe Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa:

 Is smiling

 Is sorrowful

 Is someone I’m unfamiliar with

 Is looking to bed me and only me

7. Check every pickup line you’ve used to date:

 I’m rich and that should be enough for you.

 See these huge hands, draw your own conclusions.

 Follow my lead tonight and you will be overcome.

 As president, I would build a wall to keep out everyone but you.

8. Have you seen the movie Titanic?

 Yes, proceed to Question 8A

 No, proceed to Question 9

8A. Your favorite Titanic character was:

 Rose because she was willing to sacrifice for love.

 Jack because he was willing to sacrifice for love.

 Cal because he was willing to sacrifice everyone else.

9. At your bedside you keep a copy of:

 Bible  Goodnight Moon  War and Peace  Speak Loudly and Be A Big Dick

10. If you could have dinner with one American historical figure you would dine:

 With Abraham Lincoln

 With Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

 With Nikola Tesla

 With Lou Gehrig

 With Jonas Salk

 Alone

11. Which statement best matches your feelings?

 The Republican Party is nothing but a front for the wealthy and the Russians.

 The Democratic Party is nothing but a bunch of kumbaya peaceniks coming for your guns.

 The Socialist Party is nothing but a bunch of losers who’ve never known the joy of firing someone.

 The television program Party of Five had four too many lead characters.

 I am the life of the party.

12. Your most effective phrase to confuse fact with fiction is:

 I have a bridge in Brooklyn….

 A lot of people are saying that….

 I have the best words….

 In Texas and in Florida, we get an A+. I think we’ve done just as good in Puerto Rico….

13. You feel that the greatest threat facing America is:

 Climate change

 Global terrorism

 Exploding inequality

 Viral pandemic(s)

 A divided nation

 Support for my candidacy